i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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