well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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