i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Drunk is a universal language darling
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
