nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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