Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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