I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
