What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
