oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
