I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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