i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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