I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
