his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
