Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
