DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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