I think im going to throw up on grandma
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
