if only i could text you this smell
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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