My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
