This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
