He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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