Little spoons don't ask big questions
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
