i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
