Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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