My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
