Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
