I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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