Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
