i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
