I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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