so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
