R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well I just put wine in my tea
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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