I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
