seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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