my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
