Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
