Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
