Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you inspire me to be a worse person
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
