So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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