he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
