it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
