they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
