i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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