Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
