she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
