I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
