when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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