The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
