you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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