He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
