i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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