My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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