Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
