She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
