I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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