I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
