I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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