There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you will always have a special place in my vag
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
