Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
