real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
