I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
