dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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